terrible night.

it was a night of emotional torture for a few hours yesterday as flashbacks kept running through my head while i was attempting to sleep.

it didn’t run through the good things. it only ran past the bad stuffs that happened recently. and it’s affecting me real bad now.

i only managed to salvage 2 hours of proper sleep last night. and to think of it, i actually had about 7-8 hours to sleep?

i couldn’t stop getting up every 5 minutes, trying to forget what i just ‘saw’. i started vomiting when the flashbacks started to make me tear. it was terrible.

honestly right now, i don’t want to go to thailand. neither do i want to stay in singapore. i just wanna make the jump. the jump that i could have made last year.

we’re probably not friends anymore, but i’ll still keep you in thought next year. when my secret project comes into play. you’ll like the like surprise – trust me on this. i’m doing this, not because i’m practising favourtism.

but rather, i want to make up for things. and it’ll be nice. hopefully,

A, i’m really sorry for screwing up. i’m really, really sorry.
it just seems so difficult to cope without you as a friend.
can i make up for things? could you sms me something? anything. i really want to make up for things.

by now…sorry would mean nothing to you.

but in my dictionary. sorry means to learn from my mistakes and never to do it again.

i’ve learnt my mistake in a harsh manner.
please reconsider. please.

for you peeps, i’m not bringing my second phone line to thailand. if you need me, sms my first line.

for memory sake »« it’s over.

it’s over.

it’s midnight of december 9.

it marks a new day. i’ve lost someone special. someone who i kept close to my heart all these while. but because of my foolishness, my poor anger management, i lost that someone unconditionally.

mom kept saying that i need the sleep now, before i depart for thailand later. but i can’t sleep. i’m still bothered. i don’t wanna go to thailand. i want to be with my family.

i want to be with my mom. she’s the closest person i can be with right now.

i dont know if i should smile or frown.
i dont know if i should laugh or cry.
i dont know if i should perform or stop.
i dont know if i should surprise people or just be typical.
i dont know, i dont know.

i really dont know what to do. i want to be with my friends now. i need a hug. i need one desperately.

thinking of it, 11days away from my family. all of them. no dad, mom, lil and older bro to disturb. i’m just saddened right now. i hope that 11days will just fly by quick. i just hope it will.

and to that someone, good luck. i’m sorry i screwed up. unfortunately, this has got to be my last screw up for the year. i don’t know why but it seems like it. i’ve acted foolish enough to such extent that my actions are unforgivable.

it doesn’t matter now. i just hope that we can still be friends.

i want to cry, but i can’t. i dont want to let off my emotions infront of everyone. i really dont know what to do.

now i know how amanda felt last week.

terrible night. »« my emotional baggage is full